In Cal Newport’s book, So Good They Can’t Ignore You, he writes at length about “career capital.” What’s career capital? It’s the “rare and valuable skills” you must work to develop and offer in return for a great job, which is also rare and valuable.
“[…] the traits that make a great job great are rare and valuable, and therefore, if you want a great job, you need to build up rare and valuable skills – which I call career capital – to offer in return.” – Cal Newport
What are those rare and valuable skills for trainers? Generally speaking, there are two:
Likability (non-technical)
Ability to get results (technical)
This article is going to focus on number one, likability. Trainers notoriously, and justifiably, spend the majority of their time and sometimes their money working on developing number two. But little time and money is spent on what is sometimes referred to as ‘soft skills’, such as likability.
Why? Because likability is an intangible word. Unlike the technical skills of number two, there is no clear path to developing it – it’s subjective. If I told you to be more likable, you’d say “sure Jenny, but I don’t know how.”
So instead, I am going to breakdown likability into the characteristics and behaviors that are found in and used by people who are likable. If you can develop these characteristics and use these behaviors, you too will be more likable.
Why do you want to be more likable? Aside from the obvious reasons, it’s a skill you can develop that is currently off of the radar. It’s a skill that can distinguish you in a huge field of people who are also technically proficient. And it’s a skill that is absolutely necessary if you want to get results for the people you work with. Results take time and it’s rare that people will stick around to train with you if they don’t like you. Also check out Michael Boyle’s article: Becoming a CNP.
What are the characteristics and behaviors of likable people?
People who are likable are comfortable with eye contact.
It’s challenging to both make and maintain eye contact if you aren’t confident in yourself, your ideas, or both; and people like confident people. But there are other reasons to make eye contact as well: it’s a non-verbal cue that you are interested and listening to the people you’re interacting with, people will perceive you as competent, and it will encourage people to offer eye contact in return, increasing the chance that they’ll remember what you say.
How do you improve your eye contact?
Assuming you’re already aware of your need to improve, start practicing with people you’re most comfortable with. The next time you’re having a one-on-one conversation with them, challenge yourself to make eye contact before you begin to speak, and maintain eye contact as you speak. You don’t want to make it weird, but try to hold that eye contact longer than you’re used to. Social settings are another great opportunity to practice because they’re usually psychologically safe and you’ll get instant feedback from the people you already know and trust.
You will get better with practice, but consistency is king. Luckily, we have hundreds of opportunities to practice this skill each and every day – use them.
People who are likable are generous with genuine smiles and don’t shy away from showing enthusiasm.
Have you ever seen someone get a paper cut and cringed as if it had just happened to you? Me too. We have mirror neurons to thank for that. Originally discovered in a study of monkeys, these neurons allow us to ‘mirror’ the actions of another person in our own mind – which is why they’re sometimes also referred to as “empathy neurons”. What do they have to do with smiling and enthusiasm? Well, when we smile and show enthusiasm, most people are hardwired to intuit and mirror our positive attitude. And people like feeling positive, so they’re naturally drawn to and like positive people. Of course, things aren’t always positive, but we can control our outlook and how we perceive the events of our life.
Some of you might be thinking, “but I’m just not that type of person!”
I’m not saying you have to be a cheerleader. Enthusiasm looks different on everyone. But a couple of small, genuine smiles when you’re with your clients can change their entire perception of you and your time together. And it might be the only smile they see all day.
People who are likable use body language (more than their words) to show confidence.
It’s exhilarating to meet a genuinely confident person. They can be mesmerizing. We feel drawn to them, hoping to pick up on some of that for ourselves.
“If you can see it in any human being, you have it, too, in some stage of development.” – Timothy Gallwey
When we meet these people, their confidence looks so effortless that we assume it comes natural to them and they were born like that. Lucky for us, it’s not true. Confidence is made and it usually starts with the body.
What does confident body language look like?
When standing, both feet are grounded with your weight equally distributed between both feet. For the most part, you want to avoid constant movement or leaning on one hip. Both of these are common in people who are unsure of themselves or are feeling nervous.
If you’re not using your arms to gesture or for some other productive use, leave them down resting by your sides. It’s uncomfortable to stand with your arms down at your sides, but it’s your best option if confident is the look you want. When we have our hands in our pockets, together or crossed in front of us, or behind our back, we don’t look as approachable.
Making and maintaining eye contact with individuals as you speak – for all of the reasons mentioned above.
Using your gestures to paint a picture of what you’re saying and to show your passion. Gestures, when used properly, are key in gaining and holding the attention of those we’re speaking with.
When listening to others speak, make eye contact, lean in, and nod to show attention and understanding. Genuinely confident people usually do far less talking than others in a group setting – more on this in the next paragraph.
People who are likable are interested in people.
I have no doubt that you’re interesting. And there are two ways you can go about getting me interested in you: (1) you can tell me about how interesting you are, or (2) you can get interested in me first, knowing my mirror neurons will want to return the favor.
We all like to talk about ourselves, but a lot of us don’t necessarily feel comfortable doing so outright. We like someone who can bring it out for us. Take a moment to think about the people you’re naturally drawn to and that give you a sense of connection. They’re probably the people that ask you a lot of questions, and then listen intently to your answers. They then follow up with more questions and more attentive listening.
“Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, “Make me feel important”.” – Mary Kay Ash
If you’re not the questioning type, here are a few to get you started:
Where are you from? What’s it like to live there?
What do you do for work? What are some of the skills you have to use for your job?
Where did you learn to do that? What was the learning process like?
What are your goals this year? Why are those important to you?
What motivated you to come in today?
If you got the results you’re looking for or achieved your goal(s), what would that look and feel like for you? How would it be different than what your life is currently like?
People who are likable are predictable.
Predictable sounds boring. If you were to ask someone how they’d like to be described, I’m almost positive they wouldn’t say “predictable.” However, it’s a characteristic in people we like. Why? Because we’re wired to do whatever is in our power to avoid stress and anxiety in our daily lives. And if someone we interact with regularly is unpredictable, it’s stressful. So, we prefer to spend time with people who are predictable. It creates stability in a world with a lot of instability. Being predictable is also a sign of emotional maturity.
What are characteristics and behaviors of predictable people?
They show up on time – or better yet, early.
They don’t have extreme emotional reactions. If they feel one coming, they excuse themselves and do so privately.
They don’t catastrophize. They ask a lot of questions and seek counsel before judging a situation and in turn making a decision on how to handle.
They only make commitments they can keep.
They clearly communicate and uphold their expectations and boundaries.
They take care of themselves mentally and physically so they can continue to be predictable.
People who are liked and who like themselves do well. They are easy to employ, they tend to succeed in whatever they pursue, and they have a strong network of supporters.