We are notoriously ineffective when it comes to asking for what we want. Instead we tell stories and hope the other person will pick up on our subtle cues, we reach out just to say “hello” and hope the other person will offer us something, we babble endlessly hoping the conversation will suddenly force us to share, or we talk ourselves out of asking at all.
If you are not moving closer to what you want in sales (or in life), you probably aren’t doing enough asking. – Jack Canfield
Why is being able to ask for what you want an important skill?
Because people are not sitting around thinking about how they can help you. They are focused on helping themselves. Being in the right place (and being visible) at the right time is one strategy for getting what you want, but that’s just luck. And there’s no guarantee of it happening. Instead, you have to find ways to interrupt the people who have something you want and make them think, “I can help Jenny, and I really want to!”
When it comes to getting what you want, these are the five barriers you must overcome:
Being someone people want to help.
Being clear on what you want and why.
Knowing who to ask.
Asking.
Making it easy for them to help.
Barrier #1: Being someone people want to help.
If you’re not a likable person it won’t matter how clear your ask is or how well-suited a person is to deliver on your ask – they will not want to help you. This comes down to givers versus takers. If you make requests out of desperation, insecurity, ego, or even ‘forced’ responsibility, you are taking. When you ask from those places, you are looking for praise, approval, and recognition. People avoid takers at all costs. They avoid making eye contact with them, they avoid their phone calls, and will always have an excuse for not being able to speak or meet with them.
To avoid being a taker, constantly look for opportunities to volunteer, mentor, share knowledge, or make introductions with no strings attached. When the time comes for you to ask for something, you want people to feel compelled to do so because they can see how much value you’ve already added to your peers, your organization, or the industry.
If you are not someone people want to help, overcoming the following four barriers will be fruitless. Start here.
Barrier #2: Being clear on what you want and why.
As obvious as this may be it’s often overlooked. To get what you want, you must first have a clear understanding of what it is you want and why you want it. It is your responsibility to figure this out on your own before you move forward. If you have 30 minutes with someone of importance, do not ask them to spend that time trying to help you figure out what you want unless that’s the role they’ve signed up to play. There is zero value to them in helping you weigh your options, and asking them to do so makes you come off as indecisive and lacking in purpose and direction.
You should be able to communicate what you want in a clear statement:
I want to do an internship with you for the month of July.
I want to speak about ____ at your conference in September.
I want a 10% raise by the end of the month.
I want to change my working hours to ______.
I want to speak with you on the phone for 1 hour about _____ from your book.
Once you can articulate what you want in a clear statement, you’ll want to understand why you want it and what your level of commitment is to getting it.
Answer these questions:
Does asking for this align with my values?
Does asking for this move me closer to my personal/professional goals?
Will asking for this have any potential negative consequences?
What benefits will come from receiving this (for myself and others)?
What am I willing to commit (time, money, resources, etc.) to get this?
Having the answers to these questions will allow you to craft a message that’s both genuine and gives evidence as to why you’re worthy of receiving.
Barrier #3: Knowing who to ask.
Be judicious with who you decide to ask. Start by making a list of people who could possibly help you get what you want – first, second, and maybe even third-degree contacts. Once you have a list, answer these questions:
Does this person have what I am asking for? Yes or no.
Do I have an existing relationship with this person? If not, there will be some additional upfront work to establish a genuine connection with them.
Do I have this person’s contact information? If not, identify someone that can make a personal introduction on your behalf. I would discourage you from messaging them through a social media platform as it can be perceived as immature and unimportant.
How likely is this person to respond to my request? If this person has responded with radio silence in the past, you either need to try an alternative method of contact or prioritize others on your list.
Above all else, do not ask everyone. Be picky.
Barrier #4: Asking.
Now that you know exactly what you want, why you want it, and who you’re going to ask, it’s time to ask.
Follow these steps when asking for what you want:
1. Determine the most effective means of communication based on (1) what you know about the person (2) the type of response you need.
Options include: Face-to-face conversation, phone call, video call, email, text message, or a hand-written note.
Ask yourself the following two questions:
How do I think this person likes to communicate?
What means of communication will make it easiest for this person to respond to me?
2. Craft your communication. Use the template below to craft your message to each person you plan on asking. It is a good idea to prepare this in advance, no matter what means of communication you intend to use. The more comfortable and familiar you are with your message the smoother it will come across. Although the template below may vary based on the communication channel you choose to use, you’ll want to touch on each of these at some point:
State your problem or situation (high level).
Ask directly for what you want.
Outline why this is important to you and why you chose to ask them specifically.
Set expectations for the amount of time/resources you expect them to need to dedicate in order to respond to your request.
Optional: give them alternative ways of responding (requiring less time or fewer resources).
Summarize and restate your ask.
Keep your message clear and concise. The more succinct you can be the easier it will be for the person to respond.
3. Do it, ask!
4. Give them a reasonable amount of time to respond. If that time comes and goes without a response, do not hesitate to ask again. If someone doesn’t respond to your request it’s not always because it’s a “no”. It could have been that they received your message at an inconvenient time and simply forgot to reply. When you do follow-up, first use the original means of communication, and if still no response, try another.
Also…
Pay attention to social cues. If you are at a networking event and see that the person is engaged in a lively conversation, do not interrupt them. Not only is it rude, it puts you at an immediate disadvantage. Wait until they’ve finished their conversation or you see a momentary break in the flow to jump in.
Exude confidence. If in person, make eye contact, speak slowly and clearly, stand balanced, and keep your arms open so you can gesture warmly with them. If asking in writing, say only what needs to be said and triple-check for grammar and spelling errors.
Do not ever let the words “I’d love to pick your brain…” come out of your mouth. This is an unstructured, non-specific ask. It will be perceived as lazy and is disrespectful of their time and expertise.
Barrier #5: Making it easy for them to help.
After you’ve asked, it now becomes your job to make it as easy as possible for that person to give you want you want. This is almost always accomplished by simply being prepared. Ask yourself “what will they need in order to give me what I want?” If you can give it to them before they have to ask for it, you’re golden in their eyes.
Here are a few examples:
If you’ve asked them to write you a letter of recommendation, tell them who it’s for, what they’re looking for in a candidate, what experiences or qualities you’d like them to focus on, give them a templated layout to drop their letter into, and provide the contact information or a pre-stamped and addressed envelope.
If you’re asking for an internship, include a tailored cover letter and resume, a list of prepared references, and a video of you coaching.
If you’re asking for a raise, be ready to talk about how you’ve delivered on your professional goals and the goals of the organization, what new responsibilities you’re prepared to take on, and the impact it will have on the continued success of the organization.
Example #1
The scenario: Sarah is a 30-year old personal trainer who has found a successful career working for a reputable health club chain. She has a long list of repeat clients and continually receives feedback that she is exceptional and “the best trainer” at the club. This has been the case for some time and Sarah is now itching to see if she can take it even further on her own. However, Sarah has little experience to pull from and knows she needs guidance from someone who has started their own gym and made it into a success.
What does Sarah want? Sarah wants a mentor who can help her outline and define the steps she needs to take to (1) get out of her current job (2) set up her legal business (3) secure a commercial lease.
Why does Sarah want this? Sarah wants this because she knows she has the intelligence and work ethic to be successful on her own. But in order for that to happen, she needs the strongest start possible. She doesn’t want to burn a bridge with the health club, she wants to have a better understanding of business structures before deciding which to assign, and needs to negotiate the best possible lease scenario so the money she is investing can last as long as possible. She is unfamiliar with these things and knows she needs guidance.
Who will Sarah ask? Sarah has decided to ask Phil to be her mentor. Sarah met Phil last year at an industry event. When they spoke, Sarah learned about Phil’s success as a small gym owner and that he too had started at a health club as a personal trainer. Sarah has not formally spoken to Phil since the event, but they follow each other on social media and have kept in touch that way.
How Sarah asks Phil to be her mentor: Since Sarah’s request isn’t urgent and the only contact info she has for Phil is his email address, she’s decided to use that as her initial means of communication. Her goal is to have Phil agree to a phone call to discuss further.
Hi Phil,
I’m excited to be emailing you. It’s been some time since we’ve talked, but I’ve continued to enjoy watching the progress you’ve made at your gym and with your clients over the last year – congratulations!
I’m emailing because I’ve reached the peak of my career at the health club and have decided to move forward with opening my own gym. My plan is to be up and running within 6 months. I’ve come to realize that I know little about the process and will be more successful with the guidance of a mentor. [high level situation]
I would like that mentor to be you. [the ‘ask’]
When I met you last year, I was struck by your story. The way you handled parting ways with the health club you worked for, how you created your business model, and your knowledge of business operations. I respect the way you’ve done business and would be honored to learn from you. [why she chose to ask Phil]
I understand this is a decision that should not be made over email. Would you be open to a 30-minute phone call this Thursday to talk further? [setting expectations and restating the ‘ask’]
Thank You, Sarah
Example #2
The scenario: John recently graduated from school and has since passed his CSCS exam. He is strength training a handful of high school athletes over the Summer months. Although he understands a great deal about various training philosophies and the body he has very little experience programming for real-life athletes. John knows he needs someone to review his programs and give him feedback or challenge him on his approach.
What does John want? John wants a seasoned and reputable strength and conditioning coach to review and give feedback on his programs for this single Summer (3 months).
Why does John want this? John wants this because he wants to avoid making some of the mistakes that others have already made and learned from. He is extremely passionate about his career and will do anything in his power to ensure these athletes have a productive, safe, and fun training experience. He is willing to dedicate both time and money to learning from the best.
Who will John ask? John has decided to ask Rick for help. Rick is a highly-respected strength and conditioning coach for a Division 1 university. John has read all of Rick’s books and has seen Rick speak on multiple occasions, although they have never had the opportunity to meet. Rick does not know who John is.
How John asks Rick for help: John suspects that Rick does not spend a great deal of time on his email, so he has decided to call Rick and ask for help. John was able to find Rick’s phone number on the university’s website. Here is what he intends to say when Rick picks up the phone:
“Hi Rick, my name is John. I’m a young strength and conditioning coach down in Dallas, Texas. I follow your work and found your phone number on the University’s website.
Do you have 5 minutes available now for a question? [giving an option]
I’ve recently passed my CSCS and am going to be training a couple of high school athletes this Summer. Although I’m confident in my knowledge, I have almost no experience with building out programs for real-life athletes. It’s important to me that they have a productive and safe experience, so I’m looking for someone to provide me guidance and feedback on the programs I build out for them. And I’m willing to pay for that guidance and feedback. [high level situation]
Would you be willing to do a weekly 1-hour call with me this Summer to review my programs and provide feedback? [the ‘ask’]
I’ve read all of your books and have seen you speak at quite a few events. To say you’ve influenced my goals would be an understatement. I want to learn from the best, and in my eyes, you are that person.” [why he chose to ask Rick]